Always something there to remind me
By now, most of us have seen the television ad — a teenage girl is being consoled by her mom after a recent break up with her boyfriend. The mom suggested that they discard his sweatshirt, photos, and memorabilia. But the teenager cited four hundred tags that remain posted on her social media. The mom offered to cut out the tags. “ That’s not how it works, Mom.” Letting go is way more complicated!
Letting go is a process. For material items there is the KonMari Method. But letting go of feelings and memories is another story. Feelings trigger our emotions and together they create a warning system that interferes with our decision-making abilities. And although we would like to erase some memories, that generally happens in the movies, not in real life.
Many religions and cultures have traditions or ceremonies that make it easier to let go of mistakes, transgressions, or sins. For example, Erev Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, soup often contains kreplach. Legend has it that some wise man applied an interpretation to this meat-filled dumpling suggesting it symbolically represented judgment wrapped in mercy. Probably, just another bubba meise.
Other cultures have designated sin-eaters to eat traditional meals that symbolize the absorption of the sins of the deceased and the absolution of the soul. If you are unfamiliar with sin-eaters, check out examples in pop culture, literature, television, radio, film, and comics. In the popular television series, Succession, there was a sin cake eater who held a very well-paid position with benefits. “So, this might not be the best situation, but there are harder jobs and you get to eat an amazing amount of cake.”
Letting go of sins, transgressions, feelings, or stuff takes time. It is not as easy as a filled pastry pocket in a bowl of chicken soup. And hiring someone to do it for us is not an option. Engaging in the process allows us to put loss, hurt, and disappointment into perspective.
By reframing hopes and dreams we empower ourselves to make decisions and set boundaries. Forgiving ourselves and others protects us from further loss and opens our world to new possibilities. But when others let go of us, we are confused. We blame ourselves and try to resolve the hurt, but it takes two. How does one decide to take the first step to rapprochement?
A note, a call, or a cup of coffee often leads to an apology, a hug, handshake, and letting go of hurts. But choosing silence, writing the once well-known Dear John letter, or worse yet, a text, are more immediate off ramps of letting go that make healing remote.
Knowing when and how to let go and take the first step is challenging. When we look back, we realize we have a plethora of practice: from taking our first steps, first bike ride without training wheels, first solo car drive, or first love. We learn from each experience: what worked or not, or what we would keep or change. It may have been a skinned knee, the return of a letter sweater or ring, a dented fender, or the loss of a loved one.
We have a lifetime of preparation for the process of letting go. But since each situation seems unique, we second guess ourselves and do not act. When we feel we cannot go it alone, we seek professional guidance.
The anniversary effect of the pandemic is activating a sense of PTSD and forcing us to reflect on all we have had to let go: family hugs, birthdays, births of grandchildren, anniversaries, graduations, travel plans, or college students who left for college but worked from their bedrooms. It is easy to let go of stuff; we can always buy more stuff. But we are more vulnerable when it comes to letting go of jobs, friendships, relationships, loved ones or the loss of hopes and dreams.
Letting go of trauma is more challenging. For four years, the former president and his minions tried to force us to let go of our values, beliefs, truth, and reality. His lies, bluster, and deadly conspiracy theories about science, a stolen election, immigrants, voting rights, and justice for all, led to the empowerment of white supremacists, racists, and anti-Semites storming our Capitol.
Members of Congress and the right-wing media continue to endorse and promote the big lie. They refuse to admit the election was legitimate or that Biden, is indeed, President. We are told that we should just let go of the insurrection; some deny it ever happened. Our democracy survived, this time! Now we have to worry about the enemy within.
The former president is like an uncapped black Sharpie pen leaking onto a crisp white linen shirt pocket. He is not making it easy for us to let go of him. Although with less of a presence on social media, his words and actions remain in our minds like an uninvited, annoying, looping earworm song. Singing a cure tune like Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair or chewing a stick of gum may fill the space once inhabited by an earworm song. But it will take effort to let go of that man.
Each step we take allows us to let go, but emboldens us to hold fast the people and ideals in our lives that truly matter. As Herman Hesse said, “Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” Perhaps letting go is the best way to develop the strength and resilience we need to move forward.
